:)  Humor! 

:)  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

:)  I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

:)  The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

:)  Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

:)  A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady replied, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." (Cwazy wabbit!)

:)  “Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

:)  Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

:)  Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... 'HEY LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!'”

:)  The female Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-boo Street) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. 
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it simply caused 
too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say.... 

..."Picabo, ICU".

:)  I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

:)  We were listening to a lecture on prophecy and psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. 
"She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said.
"In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?" 
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect.”

:)  A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor. 
The patient answered, "My local General Practitioner." 
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time! Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" 
“He told me to come and see you.”

:)  A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" 
"Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church.”

:)  A British clergyman struggled along with a small congregation in a small neighborhood. A commercial firm offered to supply free hymn books, provided they could insert a bit of discreet advertising into the hymnals. The pastor was reluctant but finally agreed. 
When the hymnals arrived, he eagerly examined them and was delighted to find no brash advertisements on or inside the covers. The next Sunday, his flock began to sing from the hymnals. All went well until the third song, in which the congregation lifted their voices in unison to the melodious notes of: 
Hark the herald angels sing, 
Hanson's pills are just the thing; 
Peace on earth and mercy mild, 
Two for men and one for child. 

:)  An Elder of the church I grew up in was as country as they came. He was always quoting scriptures for all situations. One day at a big church dinner he saw a lady that was a seamstress, and said to her, "She seeks wool, and flax, and works willingly with her hands." A man was picking up some bread in the chow line, he said "Man does not live by bread alone, but every word that comes out of the mouth of God." A little boy came running by and as he patted the boy on the head he said, "Let the little children come to Me." Well, he was talking and all of a sudden as his mouth was open to speak, a bug flew right in his mouth! He started coughing and gagging . . . we thought he was going to pass out. Finally someone got him some water and he drank it down and he was all right. Nobody said a word. Everyone was waiting to see what he would say when finally he stood up and said, "He was a stranger, and I took him in!" 

:)  A group of women were talking together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."  
Another said, "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven." 
A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush.” 

:)  The professor of a graduate-school class on gifted children included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how much material they were going to have to cover. 
The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, "Gee, thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!”

:)  Here is what one church sign displayed during a particularly rainy season: 
“Satan likes it when the rain keeps people from coming to church....dry people burn faster."

:)  The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?”
"Heaven!" they all shouted.
"And what do you have to be to get there?!”
“Dead!" one boy yelled.

:)  Did you hear about the church that just decided that sixteen-year-olds will be called on missions? The new policy has met with overwhelming approval from the members. The reasoning is that they already know everything and their moms won't cry when they leave for a year on the field.
   

:)  While preparing a paper regarding God taking away his guilt, a student accidentally wrote, "The quilt was taken away." Upon receiving the paper, the amused professor wrote back: "Don't be concerned that your quilt was taken away; a comforter is promised (John 14:16)"

:)  The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So. . .how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."