There's nothing more encouraging to me than to meet a couple who have been married for 40 years and are still crazy about each other. Those kinds of couples are too rare. Is that the kind of couple you want to be? How do you do it?  

1. Work at Romance.

You don't get that kind of marriage without effort. Remember when you were first dating your spouse, you and he made all kinds of romantic gestures. It was work back then, it just didn't feel like work.  

Six months before Brian and I married he sent me six long stem red roses and a card that said "Six months from today, we will be married." Five months from the day of our marriage I got five roses, and on and on each month until the month before we were married. I got one long stem red rose and a card that said "One month from today, we will be one." Then, I never saw a single flower for two years. Suddenly the money spent on flowers seemed a waste. 

It was during those two years that I tried to explain to Brian what flowers meant to me. Now when he sends me flowers, they take on a deeper meaning. I know that he is sending them solely out of a heart of love. Those times of dating and wooing your partner tapped into your unique romantic creativity. You need to make those same efforts to be creative in keeping your marriage romantic today. It takes work to be romantic. Now it feels like work.  

2. Reinvent your marriage.

In our book Passages of Marriage (Thomas Nelson, 1991), we explain the reason people get married are not the same reasons people stay married. The individuals in a marriage change, so the marriage itself changes. You must change with your marriage in order to keep romance alive. The kind of couples that are still crazy about each other after 40 years, have learned to adjust their likes and dislikes to accommodate the changes in their spouse. A marriage relationship is an ever-changing entity. It is not static. You won't find romance and a growing relationship, if you aren't willing to be flexible and make necessary adjustments.  

Cindy was feeling those marital blahs after seventeen years of marriage. She knew she had changed a lot since she married her husband at age nineteen. The romance had definitely faded, and she was looking for something to fulfill her. She went to her twenty year high school reunion and saw her old boyfriend Jim, who was single again after one brief marriage. She felt an instant attraction to him. All those exciting feelings of infatuation and passion flared up as they talked. 

Jim invited Cindy to go out for coffee after the reunion. Everything inside Cindy urged her to accept. She rationalized "It's just coffee with an old friend." Still, there was a voice she couldn't dismiss that told her, "This will only lead to trouble." Cindy turned down Jim's invitation. Instead she went back to her mom's house and had a heart to heart about her marriage and its disappointments. Cindy's mom, a wise woman, encouraged Cindy to talk these issues out with her husband. She even recommended they talk to a marriage counselor if they remained stuck. 

A couple years later Cindy found out Jim had met up with another married friend from the reunion. After a six month affair, Jim left her. The friend's husband and children were devastated! Cindy was so glad she had her mother to turn to that night, and that she didn't make the same life shattering decision.  

3. Don't give up.

Many of you are married to men who refuse to work on your marriage. What do you do if your partner isn't willing to make your marriage better? First, pray for wisdom and direction from God. Ask God to help you forgive your spouse and guide you in what to do about your marriage. Build a support network of friends who can encourage you and pray for you and your spouse. Remember that one person working on a marriage is better than no one working on a marriage. 

Here's a challenge: Make a romantic gesture towards your spouse this week. Write and let me know what happens.  DrNewman@women-of-faith.com